Life in All its Lights! turned 2 today! I haven’t posted anything in a very long time, but I take this time to reflect on how much personal growth I have undergone. I started the blog to remind myself to stay positive and happy, and I abandoned it with the same idea; you can not pursue happiness you just have to live it.
About a year ago I woke up for work with a dark hole in my heart; I had a feeling of emptiness. It was a feeling I had not gotten in a very long time. That morning, I prayed. Although I was a believer in God back then I wasn’t a big prayer, but I prayed to God asking for my feelings of sadness, hatred, unforgiveness and guilt to subside. I walked to work and I prayed. I was at a point were I was just sick of feeling depressed and sad. Although I didn’t feel sad and depressed everyday, I wanted a different lens to life, a lens that was more stable and that did not have the ups and downs that took me on emotional roller coasters.
That same day that I prayed I went to have lunch and I sat next to a man who had ordered the vegetarian dish, I smiled at him because I was debating whether to have gotten the vegetarian this time. We started a conversation, which ended up being a philosophical debate on life, God, religion and happiness of course. I pretended that my friend was having some emotional troubles, when it was really me and I asked him what he would do. He had explored many religions and had converted to Buddhism. As a buddhist, he suggested my friend meditate; he said it would burn her old karma.
So I went home and did just that, I meditated. I put a video from youtube on, I had no expectations but I just followed what the guru told me to do. I continued to do this daily for a month and it changed me; slowly but surely. For example, the habits of frustration that I had been programmed to give into subsided; things that would have frustrated me before stopped frustrating me. The funny thing was that I could still remember my mind wanting to react with frustration, but that feelings of frustration were not there. The frustration began to look like a false script that had been ingrained in my mind but which my heart didn’t even believe in.
A year later, and many meditations after, I am at a place of growth, love and balance. Meditation has helped to change my life for the better. I hope you will try it too.
I don’t know why, but to me there’s something about the concept of living in a van, waking up every single day in a new city and not knowing where you are. Not knowing what time it ever is. It just appeals to me, like crazy. I can’t find the words to exactly describe it, but I just love the idea of that. I don’t know. I want this to be my life one day.
This has been another pointless post.